Life

First - some pics from our recent visit with family in Wausau. It was so great to have everyone together again, if only for a few days.

Mom treated us to a nice lunch out, just the girls while we were in Wausau.

Showing off Thing 3's toosh to all the aunties. He was so good, didn't
pee on me once!

Hangin out with at Mom and Dad's with the fam.


Cousins!


Uncle T. the snake catcher and entertainer of the family.

So much of life happens between posts that I wish I had the time to share with you all. One significant thing that God did I already emailed to many of you but want to put down here for my own record and for any of you who I missed telling this story to. On the morning of July 30th a friend/co-worker stopped by and my kids were outside playing. When she was about to leave I decided to walk out with her b/c I hadn't heard my kids for awhile. I walked out front first with her and didn't see them or hear them. I started to walk to the backyard and happened to glance toward her car parked in our driveway. I could just barely see Ben, my 3 1/2 year old sitting on the ground playing by himself right behind her jeep. If I hadn't seen him she would have walked around the front of her car, gotten in and ran him over for sure. This still just makes me panic even now. I'm usually pretty good about knowing where my kids are playing but we do have a lot of people come and go and they usually don't think to look behind their cars before they leave. I'm praising God for protecting Ben and am reminded to always check before I pull out or if anyone else is leaving the house. I decided to have a sign made and put it up in our driveway just as a reminder for folks to walk behind their cars before the leave. Here is the link for the website that I designed it on - it was reallly easy:
.

Some other highlights have been seeing some Navigator staff friends from our region at a quick get-together in the Dells. Though not all our kids are big on water slides, we did enjoy our time splashing around. Thing 3 took the "Lazy River" to heart and fell asleep on me as we floated through as a family. Speaking of family we took a quick jaunt up to Wausau from there to have the whole family together again which is a rare occurrence at best with us living on different continents!

Hubby blessed me last weekend with my first night away from all the Things. Though I missed them all, Thing 3 especially, it was really refreshing and healing for me to attend the Beth Moore conference. I nearly grabbed the baby a few seats down from me during one session just to hold him...but I thought better of it since the mother probably would not appreciate a stranger commandeering her baby. I really enjoyed my time with 2 other staff women and a whole group of women from our church who went up to Fargo to attend. The worship was incredible and I was caught off guard by how quickly the tears for Heather and thoughts of her came while we sang. What is it about music that you can't hide your heart from? It just draws it out - both joys and sorrows. Glad it was dark in there while we sang! :) The teaching was excellent as always and if you ever get a chance to hear her - go!

We have also squeezed in a few last and really fun times together as a family at the city pool. I'm sad that it is already closed for the season. And the two older Things cashed in about $2k in "library loot" for all the reading "they" (ahem) did this summer. They went hog wild buying all sorts of junk..err...toys at the library store. Those boys will listen to books until I go hoarse if I let them! We have been doing a lot of books on tape lately to meet their need for more stories!

That is all for now...we are off and running with planning our fall semester. Our staff team (up to 9 of us now- wooohooo!) all came for a day of planning yesterday. We ended the evening with dinner and games together. I'm blessed by each and every one of them. And though my main ministry these days is managing the Things, I do enjoy and appreciate the times I am blessed to minister alongside them outside our home.

For the next 3 days our staff and 30 of our student leaders will be meeting, planning, praying and a little playing of course! Please pray for God's hand to be leading them as we prepare for the school year ahead. We are all excited for things to get into full gear again!

In The Storm

You know I love to start off with disclaimers - so as not to disappoint - this isn't in any way supposed to be an accurate teaching on what God intended for us to take from this passage - it is just where my mind went with it for today - tomorrow may be different. With that said...

I don't know if God does this to you, but sometimes I think He gets my attention best by repeating Himself. In the last few weeks John 6 keeps popping up everywhere I look. The account of when Jesus walks on water, to be more specific. At first it was just in my daily reading through John, then when I randomly picked a sermon to listen to online(a great website with thousands of sermons to minister to our hearts), guess what passage she drew from? I know it came up at least one other place as well. For awhile I was confused, what is my storm? What are you trying to tell me through this, Lord? Yesterday I finally had a little revelation as I journaled and prayed through this passage once again.

I really liked some of the insights that Jill Briscoe brought so I'll list them here first ( when you have 20 minutes I encourage you to listen for yourself and hear the many other great truths she draws, the sermon is called, "Trusting" and is in the archives on July 28th):
- The disciples knew the storm was coming and didn't want to get into the boat - but Jesus insisted they get in without Him and start across the lake
- Even though it was very dark and they were three or four miles out, Jesus saw them
- Jesus came to them in the storm
- Once they invited Him into the boat they immediately got to shore

At first I was confused making the obvious connection of Heather's death to my current storm, "Lord, this isn't going to just pass like a storm will, I think it is going to last until I see her again." But then it hit me, when Jesus got into the boat and they immediately landed on shore, the storm was still blowing. They were on safer ground, but the storm didn't end, they just had a much better chance of surviving.

My grief is my storm and I know the only way I'll survive it, and the many other storms this fallen world will bring, is to ask Jesus into the boat. At first the disciples were afraid, not even recognizing Jesus, but then as soon as they invited Him into the boat they were brought to shore. It brings me comfort to know that they couldn't see Jesus through the storm, but Jesus saw them and He came to them in their storm. There are so many days I can't see Him in my grief, to see His plan in all this pain. But in the midst of the deluge He still sees me. And He doesn't just see me, He comes to me. And then He waits for me to invite Him into my boat.

Some days I do invite Him in and He carries me through the dangerous waters of despair where my faith seems so fragile and thin and I think my grief will overwhelm me. He climbs in and ushers me back to firm ground. Other days when I don't want to accept His will in this and I just want to ask "why" and be mad, I strain against the oars and protest even getting into (or in my case, being in) the boat like the disciples did. And there I remain in the middle of the lake until I allow Him to climb into the boat with me. When He does the ache is eased a bit as I fall into His embrace with the tears still streaming down my face. The storm is still blowing, but Jesus is with me.

I don't think that storms of grief ever completely end this side of heaven. But I do think with time comes healing and there will be days, and eventually weeks and months where the storm moves off a bit to the horizon. I'm sure it will spring up with sudden showers in unexpected places. Like the other day when I was helping my 5-yr-old put his clothes away. I suddenly remembered the day Heather and Phil gave us that dresser and I can clearly picture standing near the storage area in their basement with her. Oh, how I miss her! The pain squeezes my heart once again with those four little words and there I am again in the middle of the lake. Will I invite Jesus in, accepting His will in this, or keep straining against the oars?

As time passes, in these instances I'm able to more quickly come to the place of saying, "Lord, I don't understand why You asked us to go through this storm, but I want you in my boat anyways." Immediately I'm back on shore and He helps me take the next step onto firm ground. To smile at my 5-yr-old as he has moved on from putting his clothes away and is now explaining to me the way he likes to get dressed. He is completely oblivious to the squall that just blew across my heart and threatened to take me down once again. He doesn't know that Jesus is using him to help me take one step at a time back into every day life, storm or not, I have to keep living.

Right now for me it's still raining, but it is one of those strange showers where the light begins beam through onto the soaked ground below. And Jesus is with me in the boat, helping me step onto the shore.

Vacation Time!

Our Family Vacation to the Black Hills

Funny and often Ridiculous Quotes from our Trip:

"Stop Wiggling" - Hubby to the Things at the ice cream parlor
Five minutes later...
"If you don't stop wiggling that cow skulll will fall on you."
Five minutes after that...
"Don't eat the napkin" - Hubby to Thing 2
Five seconds later...
"Oh, you ate the napkin."

"DON'T LICK THE LAKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" - me screaming across the beach to Thing 2 (ugh!)

"I'm glad there is a video on so we don't have to look out the BORING window" - Thing 1 to Thing 2 while we drove through the mountains. Kids!

"Woooowwww!!!" - Thing 2's reaction to his first cave.

"Hey, Dad, Thing 1 needs your help!"
"With what?"
"He can't get down!"

"Well, Mommy outfished me again." - Hubby
"Oh know, Double trouble!" - Thing 1

"Hey boys, go sit on that bomb!" - Hubby to The Things

And now for some pics:


We had to stop in at WalDrug of course and have ice cream.


Smores and Hot Chocolate around the campfire, now we're talking!

Hiking around one of the many beautiful lakes (okay, I can't remember the name, but it was a nice little path).

Fishing was great almost every place we tried, it was really fun!

Thing 3 wasn't really into the whole backpack, don't let the smile fool you. Whenever he was on my back he mostly screamed in my ears his dislike of being on my back.

Really great little hike around Pactola Lake, there were great views of the lake, fields of wildflowers and wooded spots as well. The Things made it the whole 3/4 miles, with lots of water breaks of course.

Junior Ranger "hike" at the Wind Caves National Park. The Things didn't care so much what he was saying, just really wanted to go into the cave!

Which we did - I only got one picture because the boys complained it hurt their eyes.

We spent several hours most every day on the beach, the Things alternating betweening digging and fishing with Dad.


Storybook Island was the one sort of touristy thing we did but it was free and the boys loved it. Tons of slides and things to climb on and even a little train to ride. It was fun to run into good friends from Brooking there as well which I think the Things thought was totally normal. Notice the other Things in the background of this Dr. Seuss photo.



Really great hike around Silvan Lake at Custer State Park. It had tunnels, forests and cool rocks all around this one mile hike. I also outfished Hubby here pulling in the only trout of the day, but he reminded me that he put the worm on for me - now that is love!




On the way home we stopped at the Air and space museum.



The Things getting ready to blastoff on the rocket!

This is where hubby said - "Boys, go sit on the bomb!" Really, we do love our kids, I promise!

Life and "Shoulds"

I'm still processing (i.e., journaling) a lot about Heather's death, but I haven't posted much about it partly because I'm afraid you will think by now I should have moved on or perhaps you are tired of hearing about it. There are many other things I do think about during the day and times that I'm really able to enjoy life and those around me. But there are also times I feel guilty enjoying life knowing those who will always feel her absence the most are still deeply grieving and probably wondering how to move forward from here. Oh, those wretched "shoulds!" I should be sadder, I should be happier...one thing is certain, there is never any peace in the land of "shoulds."

For what it is worth and for those who can relate to my feelings(though I think we are all entitled to grieve in our own way and at our own pace), here are some snippets from my journal lately.

One of the central messages I keep going back to is to really appreciate the preciousness of life. Life truly is God's greatest gift to us. It's pricelessness measured in the devastation we experience when it is lost. Heather's death is my life's merciless instructor, lecturing me on the frailty of my humanity and the pricelessness of each day.

When I think about how messed up this world is and how mothers should be allowed to live long enough to raise their babies, my mind wanders back to the beginning. Oh, how God's heart must have broke with the first crunch of forbidden fruit echoing through the Garden. For with it He knew that death had now been invited in to destroy His Precious Children. I feel I understand Him better knowing a glimpse of the heartwrenching pain He experienced the day we turned our backs to Him. He is drawing my heart into a closer intimacy with Him, bound together by our shared suffering. I'm comforted knowing He weeps with me, just as He wept with Mary and Martha.

So where do I go from here? Away from the "should's" and imaginary expectations of others. I need to accept His gift of life for each day that He gives it. That is the only way I know so far to start the healing.

Help me, Lord, to truly LIVE each day.
- When it is time to grieve, help me grieve. My humanistic aversion to pain wants to skip ahead past this place of sorrow to the Day when You promise to "wipe away every tear" at the Great Reunion.
- When it is time to embrace others in our shared suffering, help me to embrace and not hide my pain, somehow ashamed that I'm sad or forever pretending "everything is fine."
- When it is time to lay down my anger and forgive, help me to reach out with the same mercy You continually extend to me, knowing I too make mistakes.
- When it is time for me to love, help me slow down to give one more hug, kiss one more owie, wipe one more sticky cheek, and make one more pb and j.
- When it is time for me to live, help me to nuzzle one more fuzzy baby head, say one more bedtime prayer, take one more walk through sunny gardens, hold one more hand, enjoy one more amazing sunset through spent thunderclouds overhead, say one more prayer for those who are suffering, and lift up one more praise for your most precious gift - LIFE.
Life, within me.
Life, jumping and wiggling around me.
Life, beside me, holding my hand.
Life, with it's eternal promised sealed in my heart.
Life.

Jesus Wept

Even after 8 3/4 years of marriage, hubby still surprises me. He wrote this poem for me after Heather died. I'm probably biased and a bit flattered, but I think it is excellent. I hope you enjoy it too.

"Jesus Wept"
By, Hubby

On seeing Lazarus bound in death,
Our Lord and Savior, Jesus wept.
Two sisters from their brother parted,
Aching, grieving, broken-hearted.
And when they see the Prince of Life,
They feel not joy, but deeper strife.
“If you had come, all would be well!”
Martha accuses Emmanuel.
“Believe in me, you’ll never die”
Replies the One who tells no lies.
“But so my glory you may see,
I come here to weep with thee.
You are grieved by Lazarus’ death,
Yet I’m the one who gave him breath.
This world is not as I intended;
So I, the Father sends to mend it.
My life, for you, I freely give,
So with loved ones you may live.
And when closest friends from earth are swept,
Know that like you, with you, I have wept.”

Snapshots of our Life.

Thing 3 is 3 months old now!

Hanging out at the local pool.



We took a spontaneous picnic last week in our beautiful downtown gardens. I think Thing 2 took this picture, along with lots of pictures of the ground and his feet. :)


We celebrated the 4th by going to the parade of course. The Things begged for candy from every person, firefighter, policeperson, and tractor that passed by. We joined some friends for fireworks and grilling out later that day. Our friend took this photo and had asked the boys to lay down, and they all did...just not all in the same way! Ahh, 3 year olds, you have to be soooo specific!

Ahh, aren't they cute?! Not sure why one is crying...hmmm.

Uncle Sam Jam - our city puts on a big to-do after the parade. you can go jump, ride ponies, a train, etc. all free for the kids. One of the perks of living in a small town I guess.

Enjoying the bikepath about 5 minutes from our house.

The first fruits of our garden. If you can tell me how many cups of grated zucchini I got from this one I'll send you a prize. Really! Just take a guess. And then stop on by for a loaf of zucchini bread anytime!

Okay, further proof that Reverse Osmosis Water Filters are worth their weight in gold, or in this case, sludge! Ick. This is what it looks like if you haven't changed it in 3 years (just 2 1/2 years past the recommended life of the filter). Won't do that again!

Thing 2 with his prized balloon sword. It was good for about 3.4 minutes of entertainment until it popped.


And saving the best news for last...another great reason to live in our po-dunk town. WE ARE GETTING A CULVERS!!!! Can anyone say, "heart bypass"...yum! I can taste the deep fried cheese curds already!

Memorial Ride for Heather

This past weekend around 100 riders gathered to "finish the ride" for Heather. What a beautiful way to honor her legacy.

This Side of Heaven

My disclaimer - I'm flippant at times, but honest. Writing is my release.

On June 22 my very dear friend Heather left this side of Heaven for the next. Since then I've felt every extreme of every emotion and I know that mine are just scratching the surface for what her husband, four young children, parents and other family must be feeling.

This is my first really close friend to die. I know people deal with this sort of tragedy every day all over the world, but this heart wrenching grief is new to me. I feel angry at the injustice of it all. I feel sorrow knowing I will never talk to her again in this life. I feel guilty for "moving on" with my life. I feel frustrated that others move on when I just want to grieve. I feel relief and healing telling funny stories about her with friends who loved her best. I feel anger toward that stupid driver who was looking for his phone instead of looking at the biker on the road...until it was too late. I feel helpless to help those who I know are grieving her loss the most. I feel afraid that God just might decide to take someone else that I love. I feel confused about things I used to be so certain of.

On June 21st I would have steadfastly defended God's sovereignty in every situation. But June 22nd brought a whole different perspective on this doctrine. Don't get me wrong, I still believe that God is all knowing, all powerful and all good. And strangely, this somehow brought me comfort during the days of saying goodbye at her visitation and memorial service. But it isn't as neat and tidy as I once had it in my mind. There are lots of loose ends and questions that I probably won't have answers to in this lifetime. Like, for example, if it was God's will for Heather to die, and in such a brutal manner - why? And if it was, was it also His will for this man to kill her?

I know, I know, - death was NEVER part of God's plan for any of us. We chose death when we chose to rebel against Him. In His mercy He grants us new life in His "plan B", life eternal that Heather is now experiencing in the full for eternity. And it was that man's sin, and probably the drugs they found in his car, that killed her.

In the midst of all my questions and rantings I know that I really have no right to question God, but I'm so glad that He patiently allows me to anyways. I know that His heart is broken over His broken Creation more than mine will ever be. I know that He knows that life on this side of Heaven really sucks sometimes (sorry to be so blunt). And I am so grateful that this isn't the end. I'm so grateful that He gave His life for this broken world so that we can live forever in the next. I know there will be good days again. I know His mercy will carry us all through, and I already have been experiencing it. But for now, for today, and probably tomorrow and the next, life on this side of heaven is really, really hard.

Heather - my dear, dear friend. You loved Jesus so well and He loved on us through you so well. I will really miss your wise counsel, your patient ear, your sunny smile and perspective. My house is filled with rocking chairs, knitted items,
"bibs" and baby blankets that all bring a smile to my face and a fond memory of you. I'm so happy for you to be in heaven and so sad for all of us still waiting on this side. I love you, friend.