This Side of Heaven

My disclaimer - I'm flippant at times, but honest. Writing is my release.

On June 22 my very dear friend Heather left this side of Heaven for the next. Since then I've felt every extreme of every emotion and I know that mine are just scratching the surface for what her husband, four young children, parents and other family must be feeling.

This is my first really close friend to die. I know people deal with this sort of tragedy every day all over the world, but this heart wrenching grief is new to me. I feel angry at the injustice of it all. I feel sorrow knowing I will never talk to her again in this life. I feel guilty for "moving on" with my life. I feel frustrated that others move on when I just want to grieve. I feel relief and healing telling funny stories about her with friends who loved her best. I feel anger toward that stupid driver who was looking for his phone instead of looking at the biker on the road...until it was too late. I feel helpless to help those who I know are grieving her loss the most. I feel afraid that God just might decide to take someone else that I love. I feel confused about things I used to be so certain of.

On June 21st I would have steadfastly defended God's sovereignty in every situation. But June 22nd brought a whole different perspective on this doctrine. Don't get me wrong, I still believe that God is all knowing, all powerful and all good. And strangely, this somehow brought me comfort during the days of saying goodbye at her visitation and memorial service. But it isn't as neat and tidy as I once had it in my mind. There are lots of loose ends and questions that I probably won't have answers to in this lifetime. Like, for example, if it was God's will for Heather to die, and in such a brutal manner - why? And if it was, was it also His will for this man to kill her?

I know, I know, - death was NEVER part of God's plan for any of us. We chose death when we chose to rebel against Him. In His mercy He grants us new life in His "plan B", life eternal that Heather is now experiencing in the full for eternity. And it was that man's sin, and probably the drugs they found in his car, that killed her.

In the midst of all my questions and rantings I know that I really have no right to question God, but I'm so glad that He patiently allows me to anyways. I know that His heart is broken over His broken Creation more than mine will ever be. I know that He knows that life on this side of Heaven really sucks sometimes (sorry to be so blunt). And I am so grateful that this isn't the end. I'm so grateful that He gave His life for this broken world so that we can live forever in the next. I know there will be good days again. I know His mercy will carry us all through, and I already have been experiencing it. But for now, for today, and probably tomorrow and the next, life on this side of heaven is really, really hard.

Heather - my dear, dear friend. You loved Jesus so well and He loved on us through you so well. I will really miss your wise counsel, your patient ear, your sunny smile and perspective. My house is filled with rocking chairs, knitted items,
"bibs" and baby blankets that all bring a smile to my face and a fond memory of you. I'm so happy for you to be in heaven and so sad for all of us still waiting on this side. I love you, friend.