This is the way We Celebrate 13 Years of Marriage

 When we bought our house this spring there was a tall fence blocking the view of the front (and all the dirt and weeds). You can sort of see the fence to the right in this pic. Before we even moved in hubby ripped off the fence but two tall posts remained. 

For our anniversary I requested we tackle this project in lieu of the diamond  necklace I'm sure my  husband had picked out for me.  :)

 As with any joint project in marriage, it started out with negotiations.

Me: What would you think of re-landscaping the front this weekend?

Hubby: What did you have in mind?

Me: (thinking quickly... as an ENFP I have a feeling of what I want, not a detailed step-by-step list in mind)   Ummm, I liked the idea of cutting back the posts and putting up a split-rail fence.

Hubby: What else?

Me: We could put in a couple of rows of plants and flowers in front of the fence...(if it doesn't snow first). 

Hubby: I'd like to have a specific plan before we start. 

After 13 years of marriage this response is not surprising.  He is the opposite of my personality, an ISTJ who likes to have a plan, not a feeling to guide him.  Lucky him, he married me to add all the go-with-your-gut instinct he lacks.  Lucky me, I married him, to actually get the job done right the first time, within budget and efficiently.

Me: Okay, I'll call our friend who is a master gardener and see if she has any suggestions.

Saturday morning rolls around and we finalize our plans with a bit of tension and more negotiating.  After soccer we agree to at least get the fence done.  If there is time we will go to phase 2: mulch. How is it that those Home Depot and Lowes commercials make this look so much easier, more exciting and less stressful on a marriage???

 

While hubby patiently drills away at the fence posts, the garden expert comes over and consults with me about plants.  Seeing as there really is no "we" in the fence project beyond my idea to do it, I work on painting the Adirondack chairs.  (I'll digress here to tell you that my sweet, sweet husband knows my sentimental side.  These chairs were a gift from my dear friend Heather and her husband when we bought our first house a decade-ish ago.  They sorely needed refinishing.  When we moved here the chairs came in pieces with just a white base coat on them.  Hubby surprised me by re-assembling them for a couple weeks ago.)

Sunday arrives, our 13th anniversary.  After church and the Packers (who won BTW), we move onto phase 2.  Hubby digs out the clogged drain pipe in front while I make my first trip to Lowes.  I return with 14 bags of mulch and various drain parts that the Lowes employee sort of knew I might need but didn't seem that much more sure than I was.  

As we are spreading the mulch I think about those chairs and where we are going to put them.  The potential flower bed that will look soooo pretty (dreamer side of an ENFP) until I never get around to weeding it (reality side of me) is actually a nice flat place for two comfortable bright red chairs.  The best part is chairs won't need weeding and will add color all year long.  

I tentatively broach the idea of a change of plans.

Me: What would you think of putting mulch in front of the fence instead of plants?  And our chairs and a table out there?

Hubby: I think that it could work.  Pavers would look really nice.  (He considers the extra cost for a few minutes and labor involved.  Suddenly my unplanned feeling merges with his logical budgeting expertise.) I think the wood chips are a great idea!

Me: Great!  I head back to Lowes for round two. 

I love projects that make a big difference but take very little time.  My attention span is pretty limited. Doing mulch means no waiting until spring to plant!  And we can always add some plants later anyways. 

 And that is how two very different people with opposite approaches to just about everything re-landscape together.

 

Part of the reason I wanted to do this for our anniversary is bc I wanted a project we could do together.  Sure the selfish side of me would like to just have my way, starting off the day wandering through the nursery and grabbing whatever plant looks pretty.  And I'm sure my husband would have rather finished up a few other things last weekend than start a new one with me. But that is the wonderful thing about marriage.  Two people forced to lay down their preferences, seeking to honor and love the other...and occasionally by God's grace, getting it right. In this case, a much improved landscape-nice.

Oh, and we did get cleaned up and have a very nice date out that night!  Patio seating, fire place and a mountain view.  LOVE!

Now I think I'm going to go finish that other chair...stop and by and have a sit with us when you are nearby!

A Look at Islam and Christianity

      This was a great read! When I picked up, In the Land of Blue Burqas, I did not expect my faith, my understanding of marriage and ideas about Islam to be challenged.  I did not read it looking for deeper understanding of my Christianity separate from my American culture.  My views of forgiveness, responding to insult, prayer, judgment and the power of generosity were all challenged to stretch.  All of this happened during my journey into a town in Afghanistan through the author’s experience.  It is full of people I will never meet that are very different than me in almost every way. Despite our vast differences I learned so much from them as I read their stories and lined up their Islamic teachings next to the teachings of Jesus. 

        In essence reading this woman’s journey in faith, “I learned to see the Jesus I love reflected in the context of my Afghan neighbors’ culture and the simplicity of their questions.  I was challenged to differentiate between my American culture an the teachings of Jesus….I saw how revolutionary Jesus really is and how amazingly beautiful.” (p. 306)

        I’ll leave you with a few more quotes so you can see what I mean. If you decide to read it  I’d love to discuss it with anyone!

On American Faith:

“Conversations about God, faith and what it means to live submitted to Him is more common in Afghanistan than any place I’ve ever been…..For many Westerners, the question of who God is and what He wants for and from us is simply not relevant.  We are, after all, wealthy and busy.  For Afghans, it may be the most important question of all.” (p. 115, 116)

On Legalism:

“Sometimes we imagine that all that is good in God as revealed in Christ only belongs to those who’ve adopted a complete framework of theological beliefs.  We imagine that until a person understands and confesses belief that Jesus is God, that He died on the cross for our sins and rose the third day, the teachings and blessings of God remain inaccessible.  We sometimes make the mistake of viewing ourselves and others as either in or out, as either wearing our team’s jersey or not wearing it." (p. 132)

Ouch, that is totally me sometimes.

"How much better to remember that we are all on a journey.  Each time we see or hear or in some way grasp a teaching or revelation of Christ, we are drawn out of an area of darkness within our lives into His light and truth…..the good news is …we can receive His healing long before we understand who He is and why He came in the first place.” (p. 132)

Love it! The image of darkness to light describes all I hope to do when sharing about God’s love.

On Reaching others with Good News:

“I know I have no power to change an individual’s worldview.  I can’t compel people to accept my words.  The interpretation and reaction belongs to my listeners.  If I speak truth, that truth will resonate within them.  If they can receive it, they will.  If they can’t, they won’t. My responsibility is to follow Jesus and share the faith I have.  In my understanding, God is good and certainly not the author of death and destruction.” (p. 114)

     She was responding here to the Islamic belief that EVERYTHING that happens is the will of Allah.  If a husband beats his wife, it’s Allah’s will.  If a child dies in a bombing, Allah’s will.  Both scenarios are all too common in their daily lives. 

Ruth Bell Graham

This is the updated version

One of my goals for growth in 2013 is to consume as much fiction as I do non-fiction. I recently finished an excellent biography about Ruth Bell Graham called, A Time for Remembering.  I found this little treasure tucked away in our church library, the binding glue disintegrating in my hands as yellow pages came loose in the reading.

 Reading about someone who has walked the road of faith before me and succeeded gives me hope that God can use me as well.  It also reminds me that no matter what trials I face, someone else has faced more of them!   Life is busy with an upcoming move, busy ministry and the never-ending but always rewarding job of parenting 3 little men.  After reading about Ruth’s life I am inspired by her resolve and courage to take on the challenges of life with a positive attitude. 

Ruth’s early years growing up in China as a missionaries’ daughter was full of hardship and loss, even bombings!  But these were all accepted as part of the deal and not paid much heed.  This is a provoking view of ministry to me in my cushy life at home in the States.  

 And later in her married years with a husband who was absent 6 months of the year she could have easily become bitter or depressed or both!  Yet she never wavered in her commitment to her marriage and family. She simply adapted and pressed on.

Wanna know the secret to her success?  I know I did. She kept her Bible open all the time and her children often found her early in the morning and late at night pouring over His Words to her.  Her children never heard her complain about Billy’s absences, and the moment he left they would begin to look forward to his return.  She immediately got busy with some project to pass the time and she spent many hours every day soaking up God’s words of love for her.  

This challenges me on so many levels.  When life is difficult I want to complain, sulk and pamper myself with distracting entertainment – like a good 6 hour marathon of Pride and Prejudice! There is nothing wrong with P and P, mind you (and a lot of things right about it!), and my husband actually thanks me for watching it WITHOUT him.  But if that is what I turn to for my solace over my Lord than my heart will be temporarily distracted but just as empty as when I began.

Ruth reminded me of something I already knew but need to keep working at – nothing satisfies like Him.  Movies and other distractions can entertain but they do not fill and they always come to an end.  God’s Word fills, never changes and never ends.  

Jeremiah has a few thoughts on this subject, “my people…have forsaken Me, the fountain of living waters, and hewed out cisterns for themselves, broken cisterns that can hold no water.”(2:13) When I look to something or someone else to fill me before my Creator, I’m hewing out my own broken cisterns.   Compare that to Jesus’ promise to us, “whoever drinks of the water that I will give him will never be thirsty forever.  The water I will give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life.” (John 4:13,14)  I know it might sound crazy if you haven’t experienced it yourself, but God’s Word truly does satisfy my heart and fill it like nothing else can.

Reading about Ruth’s life and parenting years leaves me asking myself where is my life pointing my kids?  If my kids rise early or waken in the night where will they find me?  On FB or watching t.v.?  Again, don’t get me wrong, those things are okay and have their place.  But where do I want them to find me more often than not? Is my life pointing them to God? Or to media, Words with Friends or other entertainment?  It is a continual dance of adjusting, starts and stops, but I am slowly making progress.  I hope that like Ruth, my life will point them to Jesus, the only One Who will satisfy and meet our every need.

H.A.L.T.

H.A.L.T. is a nifty parenting tip I picked up somewhere along the way.  If you or someone you know, big or little, acts a bit cranky or unlike their usual self you could ask, Are they Hungry? Angry? Lonely? Or Tired?  So many times this little trick has helped me properly assess a tantrum and come up with a helpful solution.  The key is to address the real problem behind the behavior (sometimes in addition to your normal discipline).

Take tonight for example.  As we picked up toys before dinner my 3-yr-old didn’t want to clean up his cars.  After a time-out for disobeying he still insisted he was not going to comply (have I mentioned he can be a bit strong willed?).   I realized he had missed his usual snack after nap and had complained about 30 mins earlier that he was hungry.  Bad mommy.    I decided to put the acronym to the test and excused him from his time out bench straight to the dinner table.  After dinner he willingly (okay, under threat of no dessert) picked up the cars with a much better attitude and no tantrum.  

This reminds me of a little problem I have all the time with my own behavior.  The issue isn’t just my behavior itself, it is what is driving it. I impatiently push for my own way, hurting my husband in the process.  Or I yell at my kids in anger threatening them into obedience.  The behavior is different but the driving force behind it, which is the real problem, is the same. 

 My selfish heart that just can’t seem to love others more than I love myself…not even close actually.  The key to changing my behavior is to address the issue behind it, my desperate need for a new heart. Thankfully the solution is as simple is the acronym I used above, though much more costly in its application. When I surrender my heart to the One Who created it, He gives me His love, patience and humility that never fails for those around me.  He takes my misbehavior and gives me a clean start every time.  This is only possible because He took my punishment for me – death, and in exchange offers me new life.

When I find myself being crabby I need to HALT and remember how well He loves me. The new life and heart that is mine for the taking.  This softens me, changes me, fills me with the love I need for the precious people, big and little, around me. 

2 Corinthians 5:17, "Therefore if anyone is in Christ (s)he is a new creation, the old has gone and the new has come."

Adjusting My Grip

Ever since Heather died three years ago I have wrestled with fear.  Fear for the health and safety of my loved ones and myself.  Over  time God has gently revealed to me that behind that fear is an idol: something that I am holding onto more tightly than Him.  That idol is safety. 

 I know there is nothing wrong with enjoying this wonderful life that God has given to me, nor in praying for the health or recovery and well-being of my loved ones.  What kind of loving God would want to withhold those things?  But when I try to dictate the future, preferably that it will march on day in and day out for the next 60 years just as it has been up until now, I am not really letting God be in control and therein lays the problem. I wanted circumstantial happiness with my safety idol secure but God wanted to teach me how to have real happiness despite my circumstances. 

A couple weeks ago it looked like my near future as I knew it was about to take a turn with one scary phone call from my doctor.  Two days after that conversation I read, “Real happiness – that unshakeable sense of peace, contentment, and well-being – comes as we remind ourselves of the blessings we have in Christ and then respond with thankfulness,”  by Nancy Leigh De Moss in Choosing Gratitude.  This admonition became my lifeline in the following weeks as I did more tests and waited,  hoping for good news.  Whenever fearful thoughts crept in I would force myself to thank God for all I have in Christ which can never be taken away!  

During that time I contemplated my journey with fear.  I thought I had finally surrendered my safety idol and stopped living every day anxiously waiting for it to all come crumbling down around me.  And now it looked like what I had feared all along might be happening after all. Fear wrapped its fingers around my heart once again.  Had I really surrendered my safety idol or was I still stuck right where I was three years ago clinging to it more than to God?   

When everything is going along swell I am lulled into a false unconsciousness that it will all carry on like this forever.  Then a phone call awakens me to the frailty of it all I’m challenged once again to let God be God, even if I don’t always like the paths He chooses. The test comes in mastering my grip; my hands must be open enough to trust God with the unknown and yet firm enough to keep the precious moments from slipping through my fingers unappreciated. If I hold onto life too loosely I let the days fly by without stopping to enjoy and give thanks; I don’t remember how sacred they truly are.  Yet if I focus too much on the frailty of life I let fear steal the freedom to enjoy it. In holding on just right I can enjoy with gratitude the gift of life and loved ones while trusting His plans above my own for tomorrow and the next.

In the end all the medical tests came back the way we had hoped in case you are wondering!  I’m grateful for the lessons learned in gratitude no matter my circumstances, my faith grown and my relationships strengthened through the process of learning to adjust my grip. I by no means have these things mastered and I know there will be many more opportunities and lessons ahead on this journey called life!