Life and "Shoulds"

I'm still processing (i.e., journaling) a lot about Heather's death, but I haven't posted much about it partly because I'm afraid you will think by now I should have moved on or perhaps you are tired of hearing about it. There are many other things I do think about during the day and times that I'm really able to enjoy life and those around me. But there are also times I feel guilty enjoying life knowing those who will always feel her absence the most are still deeply grieving and probably wondering how to move forward from here. Oh, those wretched "shoulds!" I should be sadder, I should be happier...one thing is certain, there is never any peace in the land of "shoulds."

For what it is worth and for those who can relate to my feelings(though I think we are all entitled to grieve in our own way and at our own pace), here are some snippets from my journal lately.

One of the central messages I keep going back to is to really appreciate the preciousness of life. Life truly is God's greatest gift to us. It's pricelessness measured in the devastation we experience when it is lost. Heather's death is my life's merciless instructor, lecturing me on the frailty of my humanity and the pricelessness of each day.

When I think about how messed up this world is and how mothers should be allowed to live long enough to raise their babies, my mind wanders back to the beginning. Oh, how God's heart must have broke with the first crunch of forbidden fruit echoing through the Garden. For with it He knew that death had now been invited in to destroy His Precious Children. I feel I understand Him better knowing a glimpse of the heartwrenching pain He experienced the day we turned our backs to Him. He is drawing my heart into a closer intimacy with Him, bound together by our shared suffering. I'm comforted knowing He weeps with me, just as He wept with Mary and Martha.

So where do I go from here? Away from the "should's" and imaginary expectations of others. I need to accept His gift of life for each day that He gives it. That is the only way I know so far to start the healing.

Help me, Lord, to truly LIVE each day.
- When it is time to grieve, help me grieve. My humanistic aversion to pain wants to skip ahead past this place of sorrow to the Day when You promise to "wipe away every tear" at the Great Reunion.
- When it is time to embrace others in our shared suffering, help me to embrace and not hide my pain, somehow ashamed that I'm sad or forever pretending "everything is fine."
- When it is time to lay down my anger and forgive, help me to reach out with the same mercy You continually extend to me, knowing I too make mistakes.
- When it is time for me to love, help me slow down to give one more hug, kiss one more owie, wipe one more sticky cheek, and make one more pb and j.
- When it is time for me to live, help me to nuzzle one more fuzzy baby head, say one more bedtime prayer, take one more walk through sunny gardens, hold one more hand, enjoy one more amazing sunset through spent thunderclouds overhead, say one more prayer for those who are suffering, and lift up one more praise for your most precious gift - LIFE.
Life, within me.
Life, jumping and wiggling around me.
Life, beside me, holding my hand.
Life, with it's eternal promised sealed in my heart.
Life.