In The Storm

You know I love to start off with disclaimers - so as not to disappoint - this isn't in any way supposed to be an accurate teaching on what God intended for us to take from this passage - it is just where my mind went with it for today - tomorrow may be different. With that said...

I don't know if God does this to you, but sometimes I think He gets my attention best by repeating Himself. In the last few weeks John 6 keeps popping up everywhere I look. The account of when Jesus walks on water, to be more specific. At first it was just in my daily reading through John, then when I randomly picked a sermon to listen to online(a great website with thousands of sermons to minister to our hearts), guess what passage she drew from? I know it came up at least one other place as well. For awhile I was confused, what is my storm? What are you trying to tell me through this, Lord? Yesterday I finally had a little revelation as I journaled and prayed through this passage once again.

I really liked some of the insights that Jill Briscoe brought so I'll list them here first ( when you have 20 minutes I encourage you to listen for yourself and hear the many other great truths she draws, the sermon is called, "Trusting" and is in the archives on July 28th):
- The disciples knew the storm was coming and didn't want to get into the boat - but Jesus insisted they get in without Him and start across the lake
- Even though it was very dark and they were three or four miles out, Jesus saw them
- Jesus came to them in the storm
- Once they invited Him into the boat they immediately got to shore

At first I was confused making the obvious connection of Heather's death to my current storm, "Lord, this isn't going to just pass like a storm will, I think it is going to last until I see her again." But then it hit me, when Jesus got into the boat and they immediately landed on shore, the storm was still blowing. They were on safer ground, but the storm didn't end, they just had a much better chance of surviving.

My grief is my storm and I know the only way I'll survive it, and the many other storms this fallen world will bring, is to ask Jesus into the boat. At first the disciples were afraid, not even recognizing Jesus, but then as soon as they invited Him into the boat they were brought to shore. It brings me comfort to know that they couldn't see Jesus through the storm, but Jesus saw them and He came to them in their storm. There are so many days I can't see Him in my grief, to see His plan in all this pain. But in the midst of the deluge He still sees me. And He doesn't just see me, He comes to me. And then He waits for me to invite Him into my boat.

Some days I do invite Him in and He carries me through the dangerous waters of despair where my faith seems so fragile and thin and I think my grief will overwhelm me. He climbs in and ushers me back to firm ground. Other days when I don't want to accept His will in this and I just want to ask "why" and be mad, I strain against the oars and protest even getting into (or in my case, being in) the boat like the disciples did. And there I remain in the middle of the lake until I allow Him to climb into the boat with me. When He does the ache is eased a bit as I fall into His embrace with the tears still streaming down my face. The storm is still blowing, but Jesus is with me.

I don't think that storms of grief ever completely end this side of heaven. But I do think with time comes healing and there will be days, and eventually weeks and months where the storm moves off a bit to the horizon. I'm sure it will spring up with sudden showers in unexpected places. Like the other day when I was helping my 5-yr-old put his clothes away. I suddenly remembered the day Heather and Phil gave us that dresser and I can clearly picture standing near the storage area in their basement with her. Oh, how I miss her! The pain squeezes my heart once again with those four little words and there I am again in the middle of the lake. Will I invite Jesus in, accepting His will in this, or keep straining against the oars?

As time passes, in these instances I'm able to more quickly come to the place of saying, "Lord, I don't understand why You asked us to go through this storm, but I want you in my boat anyways." Immediately I'm back on shore and He helps me take the next step onto firm ground. To smile at my 5-yr-old as he has moved on from putting his clothes away and is now explaining to me the way he likes to get dressed. He is completely oblivious to the squall that just blew across my heart and threatened to take me down once again. He doesn't know that Jesus is using him to help me take one step at a time back into every day life, storm or not, I have to keep living.

Right now for me it's still raining, but it is one of those strange showers where the light begins beam through onto the soaked ground below. And Jesus is with me in the boat, helping me step onto the shore.