Adjusting My Grip

Ever since Heather died three years ago I have wrestled with fear.  Fear for the health and safety of my loved ones and myself.  Over  time God has gently revealed to me that behind that fear is an idol: something that I am holding onto more tightly than Him.  That idol is safety. 

 I know there is nothing wrong with enjoying this wonderful life that God has given to me, nor in praying for the health or recovery and well-being of my loved ones.  What kind of loving God would want to withhold those things?  But when I try to dictate the future, preferably that it will march on day in and day out for the next 60 years just as it has been up until now, I am not really letting God be in control and therein lays the problem. I wanted circumstantial happiness with my safety idol secure but God wanted to teach me how to have real happiness despite my circumstances. 

A couple weeks ago it looked like my near future as I knew it was about to take a turn with one scary phone call from my doctor.  Two days after that conversation I read, “Real happiness – that unshakeable sense of peace, contentment, and well-being – comes as we remind ourselves of the blessings we have in Christ and then respond with thankfulness,”  by Nancy Leigh De Moss in Choosing Gratitude.  This admonition became my lifeline in the following weeks as I did more tests and waited,  hoping for good news.  Whenever fearful thoughts crept in I would force myself to thank God for all I have in Christ which can never be taken away!  

During that time I contemplated my journey with fear.  I thought I had finally surrendered my safety idol and stopped living every day anxiously waiting for it to all come crumbling down around me.  And now it looked like what I had feared all along might be happening after all. Fear wrapped its fingers around my heart once again.  Had I really surrendered my safety idol or was I still stuck right where I was three years ago clinging to it more than to God?   

When everything is going along swell I am lulled into a false unconsciousness that it will all carry on like this forever.  Then a phone call awakens me to the frailty of it all I’m challenged once again to let God be God, even if I don’t always like the paths He chooses. The test comes in mastering my grip; my hands must be open enough to trust God with the unknown and yet firm enough to keep the precious moments from slipping through my fingers unappreciated. If I hold onto life too loosely I let the days fly by without stopping to enjoy and give thanks; I don’t remember how sacred they truly are.  Yet if I focus too much on the frailty of life I let fear steal the freedom to enjoy it. In holding on just right I can enjoy with gratitude the gift of life and loved ones while trusting His plans above my own for tomorrow and the next.

In the end all the medical tests came back the way we had hoped in case you are wondering!  I’m grateful for the lessons learned in gratitude no matter my circumstances, my faith grown and my relationships strengthened through the process of learning to adjust my grip. I by no means have these things mastered and I know there will be many more opportunities and lessons ahead on this journey called life!